Here I Go… Letting Go.

8 May

Something so incredible & life changing happened to me today… & since I use my blog as a sort of documented spiritual journey for myself… I couldn’t wait to get this on paper. God dealt with me on something big, for me anyway.

Last night I was up way past my bedtime, making chicken salad & cooking georgia cornbread for Brian to take to work this the morning. I was leaving him a little love note to slide in his lunch box & thinking about how special he is to me. Suddenly, I felt the Holy Spirit impress something major on my heart…

 For the past 5 years, I have loved Brian… more than I have ever loved any man in my life. Out of nowhere, the Holy Spirit told me that it was time to abandon some of my defenses & let down EVERY SINGLE wall I’ve ever had up that has prevented him from having my heart completely! The word “vulnerable” was consuming my thoughts. See, I told myself a long time ago that I wouldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable to ANY man. I would always make sure that no matter how much I love, I would always stay behind the line I have drawn in the imaginary sand of my mind of vulnerability. I have held true to that promise to myself for many, many years… no matter the man, no matter the circumstance. Sadly, I’ve been proud of it. Proud of my independence… proud of my strength. So why was the Holy Spirit suddenly telling me that it was time to let that go?? I pushed it out of my head for the night as I finished my “love note”, & headed off to bed.

Keely has been running a fever today & pretty much just laying on the couch, sleeping on & off. I decided to forget my chores for the day & sit with her to rub her head & give her some comfort. As she rested & watched movies, I put a big dent in my book. As I was reading… God showed me that He would get my attention on this matter that I so nonchalantly pushed aside late last night. I came across this exerpt & I was overwhelmed by what God was trying to get me to hear & do (now, I’ve been reading this book for a little over a week now & until today, nothing has been mentioned about vulnerability). Author Stasi Eldredge writes…

“God has shown me that because of the defensiveness, I buried my truly feminine heart which longs so deeply to be pursued & fought for, to be seen as beautiful, to be tender & kind, to feel deeply. He has shown me that by bringing this into my marriage, I have not allowed Dave the opportunity to fight for me. For this I am grieved. God asked me to repent of this to Dave & take the risk of being vulnerable once again. I stand now in this risky place of vulnerability, with a bleeding heart waiting & praying. Every day I must choose to lay down my defensiveness & allow Him to be my God, my Strength, & my Defender. He told me that I didn’t need to defend myself anymore, that was his job, He is my Defender & Advocate. Would I let Him be that for me? I said yes. There was a huge weight lifted off that I can’t fully explain.”

There it was again… was I going to allow God to speak to me?… to ask me to make Him my Defender, instead of relying on my own defense mechanisms? I pray that prayer everyday, that He would open my eyes to the areas of my life that I need Him to change me in. Now that my eyes are open to this, would I be obedient?

I’ve come to understand that not everyone needs God to change them on the same issues. Some people may see this as a minimal task, but not for me. Understand that it has taken me 5 years, 2 kids, & God’s voice to make the hard decision to let myself be vulnerable. To be okay with “needing” Brian. & though I’ve loved him very much the entire time we’ve been together, this is a big deal for me…. letting down all of my defenses, my independent (& sometimes rebellious) nature. I have to… in order to give myself to him fully, the way he deserves as a good husband. So I closed my book & told God that from today forward, I am making the decision to be completely vulnerable to Brian… to trust him with my whole heart, not just what I’m willing to give away. I’ve made myself vulnerable to God, & now the next step is to make myself vulnerable to next man in my life. So here I go… letting go.

 This is a milestone in my life as a woman. I am more than a conqueror through Christ who strengthens me.

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2 Responses to “Here I Go… Letting Go.”

  1. iheartkiserboston May 8, 2008 at 4:05 pm #

    This is great Vanessa. IT couldn’t have been more loud and clear. It is amazing to watch you grow.

  2. jennifertobler May 10, 2008 at 5:52 pm #

    I struggle with that as well. I was raised by a single mother who has always been really independent, and she instilled that in me. She always made sure that no matter what, I would be able to take care of myself. To her credit, it was that tenacity that allowed her to move forward with life with three kids when her husband left her alone. But it left me with a wall, a lack of vulnerability, just like you are describing. It is a struggle to “need” someone. So I’m with you sweetie, its a challenge, but that book you are reading is a great resource to get you going down that path!

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