ANGER…. we know it’s not from God. So where do we go from there?

I am caught in the tight, tight grip of anger right now. I wish I could tell the blog world exactly why, but the truth is… it’s personal & some things just aren’t meant to be shared with the world. But to clarify, I am mad at myself! I have been in such a good place with God for a while now…. walking in stride with His Word & His direction to me individually. I had slightly fallen away, purely out of my own rebellion about a year ago, but soon after, God did something amazing in my life that quickly forced me to redirect, refocus, & reexamine what I was doing & where it would lead me. From that point, I realized God’s amazing power to pull us back to Him, sometimes WHILE we’re walking away. I guess, I had always heard that God would not remain where He is not welcome, that He has given us free will & will never force us to stay with Him, etc. But I have to say, from my own personal experience, I believe that God loved me so much that He refused to let me go & He was STILL at work in my life even though I was working against Him. & for that, I can never fully show my appreciation (except of course by giving Him myself completely!). I said that, to say this….

The most hurtful, most disturbing, worst thing I could ever do, is to draw someone AWAY from God through my own trials, struggles, & rebellion. I don’t think I could feel worse about myself! I never, EVER want to be in the “God & I” bubble… where I’m so focused on what God is doing in my life that I fail to see what He’s doing or what I’m doing in other’s lives. Now granted, I’m not even close to being the same person that I was a year ago while going through this rebellious phase, but still, that’s no excuse. At the end of it all, I was so in awe over God & what He had done in my life, that I failed to see the relationship that I hurt between a person & God through my rough patch. It’s not as if they could see the glory of God’s deliverance & revelation for me! All they were was affected… negatively. & for that, they did the opposite, they pulled away from God. Now, they can’t seem to find the place they were before in Christ… the zeal, hearing His beautiful voice, feeling His presence… experiencing Him. All because of my screw up! Even though God came through for me in a MAJOR way & I can’t help but give Him so much glory & praise for it, I’ve left someone feeling unconnected & at this point, unable to see that glory & that major action.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse about myself! I am supposed to be a disciple of Christ… God’s love flowing out through ME. I am constantly looking for opportunities to witness to unbelievers & snatching them up, but what about taking away the closeness of God of an already Believer? I feel like God’s most amazing revelation & transformation in my life was at the expense of someone else’s relationhip with Him. That has to be the very last thing I could EVER want to come from me. Even though it was a year ago & God has changed my heart in this particular area in a way that neither I or this third party could have done alone… I’m STILL left with me being SO much closer to God & another person being farther away. & the worst part is… I can’t do anything about someone else retrieving their zeal & excitement for our Lord. I feel totally responsible, whether it was their fault for making the decision to turn away from God instead of to Him, or mine for being the source of an opening for satan to steal God’s connection to their heart. Either way, I opened the door by my own rebellion!

I’m so angry with myself. I mean, REALLY angry. To the point of wanting to practically turn into a mute (one of my ways of dealing with emotional issues), to hitting things, to going outside & walking out the anger (while listening to my iPod)… which could take many miles, to (& this is my most famous of all ways of dealing with these sort of issues) not eating for days. Yes, I am an emotional un-eater.

So my question to all of the Christian’s out there is this:

How do I get over this? How do get over such raging anger at myself for doing such a disgrace to my Lord?! I’ve learned how to get over offenses & forgiveness & all of that jazz, but what about a spirit of anger toward myself for my own actions? It certainly doesn’t come from God… so how do I find peace in this situation? It would be different if I was mad at someone else… I get over those situations easy, but what about the disappointment, the failure, the “poor pitiful me”, the pure anger AT MYSELF! I’m almost afraid that this anger at myself is going to cause me to go into a state of not being worthy to be in such a good relationship with God (& that warrants all types of negative outcomes & feelings). And will God deal with me on this?… because right now I feel as though I’ve failed Him & I’ve failed myself as who I want to be in Christ. I mean, honestly, being responsible for pulling someone away from God is serious!!

Help!

Update on the craziness that is our life.

Things have been a little crazy since last Tues! There is good news & a little bad news to go along. I’ll give you the good news first…

Last Friday at 8:30 pm, Keely officially finished her toughest phase of treatment… the ARA-C/ Cytoxan chemo cocktail. They are the most potent of all the chemo drugs she will be receiving & she got the last dose last Friday night. Woo-hoo! Everything she gets from this point on isn’t nearly as potent & shouldn’t knock her counts down so much. Her body has taken in the worst & the most harsh… & she has done better than I expected. They even expected a blood transfusion last week at clinic & again today, but she didn’t need it either time. Although, she does have to go back on Friday for one… still… they didn’t expect her levels to stay this high through this round. She’s been her normal self… no laziness, very minor sickness… she has remained in good spirits, playing & not even reacting to the fact that her little body is doing sooo much work!

Last Wed, after her first round of ARA-C for the second time in this phase, she had a bad reaction. It was so sad to see her in the state she was. She couldn’t control herself… it was literally like taking on someone who had smoked too much crack & couldn’t get it out of their system. It got so bad by about 2 in the morning, that Brian was having to physically restrain her in her bed. She was crazy & she couldn’t control it. She was screaming & throwing her body all over the place. So sad. I can’t imagine that feeling as a 4 yr old… not understanding why you are feeling this way… so out of control of your own body. But we made it through the night & she started to slowly regain control over herself throughout the day on Thursday. Again… thankfully we finished the ARA-C on Friday & she will not have to have that anymore over the next 2 yrs.

Today (a week later), she had clinic again as she does every Tues. We were relieved that she was only getting a shot (PEG-asparegus) which is an intramuscular shot given in her thigh that slowly releases over the next 7 days into her body. She has had this shot twice before with no problems. The shot has a risk of severe allergic reaction & is closely monitored. The reaction can happen with any of the individual times given, even if it didn’t happen the 2 or even 7 times before. I, however, wasn’t worried since she had it the other 2 times. They gave her the shots (it’s 2 shots given at the same time in each thigh) & monitored her there in clinic for an hour & she seemed fine, so off we went, back home. As soon as she was home, she suddenly started complaining of itching on her hands & feet, from there, her eyes swelled up & hives came up all over her body. We rushed her to closest E.R., WakeMed, which was again, not a good experience. These doctors are just not trained to deal with leukemia patients. They aren’t even allowed to breathe without instructions from UNC on how to handle her situation. So frustrating! By the time Brian got her to the E.R., her face was twice it’s size & she was covered in hives. They treated her with a few different medications & sent them home after monitoring her for aniphilactic(spelling?) shock for almost 2 hours. She is still right now, VERY swollen & there are still some remaining hives, but she seems to be doing well.

(Here she is at WakeMed’s E.R…)

This whole ordeal today brings me to this conclusion…

We have recently made the decision to try to move closer to UNC. It was Brian’s suggestion & his works in trying to get out of our lease here. I, myself, wasn’t completely convinced that moving right now was the best thing for us. I have been in prayer over this for the past couple of weeks, asking God for direction in this matter. I of course, will follow the leadership of my husband who is the man of our household & holds much more responsibilities in the eyes of our Father for the major decisions of our family. I have prayed DILIGENTLY for God to give us the direction as to what to do. God had (up to this point) provided a way out of where we are currently living, so I was confident that if He provided us a way out, He would also provided us a place to go. I just wanted to make sure we were in stride with God on this decision. Well, today, God spoke… loudly!

Our last visit to WakeMed’s E.R. was not a good experience at all. We took Keely in for a fever & once we were there & they realized they had to access her port-a-cath, it was a mess! 2 girls came into our room with all of the stuff to access the port… & INSTRUCTIONS! I had to intervene. Neither of these nurses had ever accessed a port outside of nursing school. No, no, no, no… not on my 4 yr old daughter are you going to take the “opportunity” to practice! For those that don’t understand the job of the port-a-cath… it’s too much for me to go into detail now, but this thing is a blessing & a curse. It keeps her from being poked over & over & have IV’s in her arm, but if is not accessed correctly or anything goes wrong with it, it poses a serious risk of infection… which with Keely’s disease, can be fatal. Brian & I had decided after that that we would just make the drive to UNC if we ever encountered this situation again. But today, it was an emergency type situation & there was NO option to drive the 45 min. We HAD to go to the closest E.R…. & once again… they were intimidated by her & how to handle her, which makes me very uncomfortable. I mean, any parent has to understand… this is my child we’re dealing with!… there is no room for error.

This emergency situation where we had no choice as to where to go was such confirmation from God that we are indeed to move! Keely is home & doing well because of God’s protection. This was just a way to answer my prayer. Driving the 45 minutes wasn’t an option. Our decision to just make the drive to UNC & avoid WakeMed for the rest of her treament duration wasn’t an option. It was God’s way of speaking to us… confirming that we are making the right decision to move. Today was also a blessing & a curse… we had to go through a scary situation, but God spoke & Keely is okay. I have realized that God speaks through many avenues & even though we had to go through this temporary scare today, God spoke to us & that is most important…. it’s what I’ve been diligently praying for & asking for… for God to give us confirmation on our decision. I NEVER want to make any decision in my life without first consulting the One I’m following.

On a lighter note…

I want to document evidence that we still have some really good times in a house full of leukemia, stress, & multiple children 4 & under.

I’ll start here….

this is Keely’s Barbie house… an innocent place for her to let her imagination take her into another world (although we have plans to create a “chemo” barbie). As Keely was quietly playing in her room while we got the boys down for bed, she was doing something sooo hilarious!… & she didn’t even tell me about it… I had to stumble across it & ask, “Keely, why is the toddler barbie taped to the wall in the living room”…. actually it went down more like, “Keely. What’s up with the taped toddler?” She answered, “I taped her there mom. She’s in time-out” I’m not sure we ever used the restraint method to keep any of the kids in time out. disturbing. & extremely hilarious. One of those things you’ll only get from a 4 yr old. Good thing we don’t beat her… I’m scared to think of how that would have come to life in her imagination.

This is Cale with Keely’s hat on. Does he or does he not look exactly like Fabulous the rapper? haha. gangsta.

& Here he is after drying off from the pool, resisting to put clothes on to the point that he has crawled & is now stuck under the coffee table. That’s were defiance & rebellion will getcha… unfortunately those principles will follow you all of your life.

And here the kids are having a blast in the pool. With Keely being so isolated from other kids, the 2 of them really have become best friends. it’s pretty special.

Looking at this blog makes me completely forget about all of those nights she threw up for hours, or even last Tuesdays bad reaction to the ARA-C. I will definitely do a “Keely update” on all of that soon.

How’d That Get There?

In my Bible is all kinds of… well… stuff. Reading guides, important notes I’ve joted down, a list of certain people that I pray for slavation for daily, etc. Still, I pretty much know what is in there at all times. The smallest, but most amazing thing appeared in my Bible the other day. The odd thing about it is that, I have NO idea where it came from or who gave it to me & it looks as though it’s been hanging around in there for some time now. It’s a typed prayer. & it might just be one of the most perfect prayers I’ve ever read. No it doesn’t cover everything that I pray for, but it’s a great prayer in a broad spectrum. I’m so in love with it & so in tune with every single word, that as tacky as this may seem, I have tacked this piece of paper on the wall beside my bed… so that every single morning, as my feet hit the floor, I can look directly at this paper & pray this prayer before I do anything else. I wanted to share it with everyone for 2 reasons, #1- I think it’s one of the most amazing prayers I’ve ever heard & I’m not sure if that is because it is the prayer of my heart individually or if it is relatively astounding to all Believers. & #2- I’m curious if someone will read this & reveal that they are the person that either stuck this in my Bible or handed this to me without me knowing what it was. So here it is…  I hope this blesses someone & they find the Holy Spirit drawing them to pray this daily with me:

Dear Lord, I thank You for this day, I thank You for my being able to see & to hear this morning. I’m blessed because You are a forgiving God & an understanding God. You have done so much for me & You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you. I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger & harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude & plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each & every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine & whimper over things I have no control over. And give the best response when I’m pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can’t pray, You listen to my heart.

Continue to use me to do Your will. Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak… Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I pray for those that are lost & can’t find their way. I pray for those that are misjudged & misunderstood. I pray for those who don’t know You intimately. I pray for those that don’t believe. But I thank you that I believe that God changes people & God changes things. I pray for all my sisters & brothers. For each & every family member in their households. I pray for peace, love, & joy in their homes… that they are out of debt & all of their needs are met. I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

In Jesus Mighty name, Amen.

Are You Wearing The FULL Armor Of God?

… so I totally plagiarized this from Perry Stone’s website (by that I mean, copied & pasted. haha). This is so friggin cool, I had to share it with some of my blog readers. It’s so interesting & it will get your mind marinating & your spirit stirring for sure… I hope so anyway… I think I sometimes think that everyone is as deep a thinker as I am. Either way, it’s a must read. Enjoy.

In the mid 1980s I was ministering at the Sanctuary which is a great church in Deland, Florida. Following one of the services a young man asked to speak to me and shared a vision that he had experienced. When I heard this, I knew it was from the Lord.

                The time of the vision was in the 1970s.  In the vision the young man saw a very large field of ripe grain. The sky was a clear blue and the weather was perfect.  A large army was marching across the field. The individuals were happy and excited, laughing and enjoying themselves.

                Suddenly, large vultures from the sky began swooping down upon the field. In the Bible birds can represent evil spirits (Mark 4). As the vultures descended upon the people, there were three forms of weapons being carried in their claws. The birds began dropping these items onto the field.

                First, tares began to appear in the midst of the wheat. The purpose of the tares was to stop the harvest. As the vultures continued to swirl over the army below, they began dropping stones onto the field. Each stone had a particular problem written on it that would become a stumbling block if a person tripped over the stone. The stones were hidden in the field and could not be seen unless a person was watching and paying careful attention. The third items clinched in the claws of many of the vultures appeared to be missiles that were thrust toward certain individuals in the army. As these were fired from the air, they became fiery darts that would hit the person and ignite their mind. This resulted in setting their minds on fire with terrible thoughts that became a distraction.

                As the army moved forward, some began tripping over the stones and others were struck by the missiles. As the missiles hit, if the soldiers did not get up from the ground the vultures would suddenly swoop down and seize upon the person.  The vultures would then begin to pick apart the flesh of the fallen soldier.  Eating the flesh represented feeding off the carnal nature of the person.

                The size of the army became smaller as a result of these attacks. Certain soldiers began to hold up large shields to block the missiles from striking them. Some attempted to hide behind the armor of others.  A grandmother was firmly holding onto her shield as her grandchildren were playing carelessly behind her. Suddenly a missile hit one of the children and they fell to the ground. Each person needed their own shield for protection and could not rely upon someone else.  One man was attempting to outrun the attackers but was hit from behind. His shield was not up and because he “turned his back” he was defeated.  Another soldier was seen falling as he stumbled over a large stone.

                The battle became so strong, so intense and so dangerous that the army began to thin. The laughter seemed to cease and the faithful remnant that was not defeated by the stones or taken captive by the missiles closed ranks and began to unite their shields together. They became a strong remnant of battle worn, yet determined believers.  They began to dig trenches to take on the final conflict.

                Even in the heat of the battle there were moments of joy and rejoicing. Suddenly on the scene a man on a horse appeared. Some in the army left their positions to follow the one riding on the white horse.  Again the ranks of the troops became smaller, but the remnant remained strong and determined.

                Suddenly a bright light appeared and the remnant could see the city of God. They knew that they had remained steadfast and the battle was now over!

                    I first reported this vision several years ago and was reviewing notes from previous articles about this. When the young man’s vision from the 1970s saw the “white horse,” I didn’t think much about it when I heard this story in the late 1980s.  I was more impressed with the conflict and the results of the battle. However, now that we understand the appearing of the Mahdi of Islam and the tradition that he appears on a white horse, it makes this vision even more amazing. It appears that the white horse rider comes on the scene about the same time that the surviving army sees the city of God and realizes that the battle is over and we are headed to the city of God!

                    There is another aspect of this vision:

                    Every believer must secure the whole armor of God.  Watching and praying, will keep one from stumbling over the “stones” hidden in your journey. Your shield of faith will ensure your defense against the fiery darts of the enemy!  Dig in your heels and “stand when you have done all to stand!”

Perry Stone, Jr.

Excuse me… how old are you again?!

Cutest, coolest thing in the world I wanted to document through this whole journey of chemo, clinic, fevers, hospital stays, etc….

Last night we were discharged from another stay on the lovely 5th floor of UNC Children’s Hospital. We were there from Fri night – Mon afternoon. & once again… it was a casual stay. Keely was running a pretty high fever starting Fri afternoon & we were admitted into UNC for a blood culture & monitoring. Turns out, it was just a little stomach bug that Keely was fighting off, but for a child with almost no immune system, she has to be hospitalized & monitored until her counts start to come up (indicative that her body is almost done fighting the virus). So, as before, it’s almost a treat for Keely. I mean, yes, she’s hooked up to “Fred” (if you don’t know about Fred… well… you just don’t know about our journey… so moving along….), but aside from the initial needle access to her port, the whole hospital stay is pretty much a “get-a-way” for Keely. She has no bedtime (it’s impossible to enforce a bedtime with nurses coming in & out), she eats whatever she wants, she watches whatever she wants, & she has (at ALL times), either mommy or daddy there to hang out & bond with all to herself, which is impossible in a house with 2 little brothers.

This time was different. She still joked around with the nurses & showed off her spunkyness, but I noticed something significant. She’s changed so much. I’m not sure if it’s because of the diagnosis or just her age, but it seems like since all of this has happened & she has come around to gaining some understanding of her battle, she suddenly grew up on me. I went from communicating with a normal 3 yr old, to talking to someone seemingly around the age of puberty. weird.

A lady that has been my mentor through our journey (her daughter just finished her last treatment in Dec of last yr. Diagnosed at the same age as Keely with the same “high risk” A.L.L) told me that her daughter was so isolated, that her only REAL interaction most of the time was with adults… usually talking serious business, so she made that same transformation… just adapted to adult talk & behavior.

All of a sudden, I am having conversations with my 4 yr old like a junior high kid. Everyday she shocks me with new information, new phrases, new words… things I would never hear one of my friend’s 4 yr old say or comprehend. I kinda like it. I think our relationship is much more fun & interesting when I can communicate with her on this level. She has such a sassyness about her (I can imagine her snapping her fingers moving from side to side with a “look” on her face). It’s just so….. ME! & so I can respond back with a sassy comeback (all in fun instead of it being so disciplined, but with the same outcome) & it just cracks the nurses up…. our whole ”relationship”.

There have been so many times that I’ve criticized myself for the way I interact with Keely. I feel like I’m not a “loving” parent or the right type of mom for a daughter, but this whole ordeal, this grown up little 4 yr old fighting the battle of her lifetime made me realize something…                            

One of the things that mother did do for me that helped me so much in life, is she made me strong. She never coddled me or babied me. She taught me to be strong. To fight. To decide who I am & stand there! To never let anyone persuade me or influence me. To be a woman someday. The type of woman that would never put up with any man’s crap!… to be self sufficient. To be able to choose God & never let anyone’s opinion of that keep me from Him.

So… I realized that I’ve done just that with Keely. Brian’s job is to show her the real love of a man, but my role is different & I shouldn’t compare the two, because they are so different in the outcome of who she becomes. Same with the boys. My role is to show her a confident, fearless, strong, woman of God. A woman who takes no crap, but would show the lowest of lows the same respect as I would her doctor.

She just amazed me this weekend in the hospital. She’s such a pistol, so spunky… it’s beautiful & so amusing. It’s not in a defiant nature… it’s just a presence about her that says, “I’m Keely! Get to know me, cause your gonna love me!”. At one point on Sun night, I had the computer on & she was watching cartoons & it was getting late. She suddenly turned to me & said, “mom… can we pray together?” I was so shocked. I wanted to cry. I decided at that moment that if she was grown enough to ask me to do that, then she was grown enough to pray with me in an adult fashion. We’ve used the generic prayers at meal time & bedtime to get her in the routine, but I’ve never prayed with her in a real way. So we held hands & I prayed… just like I would if she wasn’t in the room with me, except I talked about her as if she was involved in our conversation with the Lord. She held hands with me so peacefully & quietly through my whole prayer time. At the end she said… “I feel so much better. That was a good pray.”

A few minutes later she asked me to turn off the TV & the computer because she was ready to go to sleep… & so I did, but she obviously wasn’t ready for sleep. We cuddled up together, & she started talking… talking to me like a 12 yr old. She asked me, “so mom… I have leukemia, right?” (this is the first time she has actually asked about the disease or even said the L word). For almost 40 minutes we talked about leukemia, chemo, etc. She asked me why only kids at clinic had leukemia & not kids that she knows. She usually says that she has “chemo”. So, we talked about how she actually has leukemia, but that she gets chemo to get rid of the leukemia so she can get better. She even asked how she gets the chemo & how it goes into her body… so I explained that & it seemed as if a light bulb went off & she finally understood. She said “ooohhh”. & that was it. Her questions… these thoughts, this confusion, & her inability to express it was finally put to rest & she seemed so at peace.

I love her so much! I see myself in her more than anyone could ever imagine & I know the great things she is capable of through her genes & God’s plans. She is just so amazing. My life would be incomplete without her. She is my daughter… my wings to watch soar someday. & I will never leave her. I’ll always be here, in the most glorious of seasons & when life seems to beat her down, I WILL be by her side.

YOU can make a difference in the world!… so stop thinking that God isn’t giving you opportunities to change the world.

Our Family is walking in the Light The Night Walk in downtown Raleigh on October 17. This money donated does not go to us, it goes to the research of LLS. Our team name is “Spunky Punky”. If you have any interest in walking with us, or sitting on your couch at home through the walk & just making a donation to our team, please visit: lightthenight.org. We are so appreciative of any donations that go toward finding not only the cure, but what causes this terrible childhood disease.

You can donate, or just walk with us in support of our team & the fight against childhood blood cancer… or both. Once you go to the site, just click on “part of a team” (highlighted in red in the paragraph), on the next page, click on “Join an existing team”, when it ask for the team name… it is “spunky punky”. It will then ask you to answer a few questions reguarding who you are and so forth… once you finish that… you will have several options to choose from: join the walk, just donate on-line, & even invite people to donate in your name since your name will appear on the team list (although it all goes to our team since you are registered under our team & remember, the money goes to LLS, not Keely)

Please, find it in your heart to make a difference in the lives of innocent children plagued with such a horrible disease. Unless you’ve gone through it as a child or a parent, you have no idea what this disease & especially the treatment for this disease puts a family through! Researchers STILL don’t know what causes this disease, & althouh they have made huge strides over the past decade on the side effects & effectiveness of chemotherapy, it is still a VERY harsh treatment… some which poses permanent damage.

 Keely on her way to the playroon during one of our hospital stays

Keely & I laughing & loving on each other in the hospital bed 

 

The Unforgettable

As I finish up my social networking entertainment (sincerely asking for prayers for Keely… there are some remarkable prayer warriors on my FB), & devote some time to my “secret place” (as I like to call it now… thank you Flyleaf), I couldn’t help but glimpse down the hall. At the end of the upstairs hallway is Keely’s room. When she is sleeping, the door is always closed & all I can see is the little glimmer of light from her night light under the door. Not tonight. She’s laying in a bed with her daddy at UNC. It saddens me… seeing her door open. I wonder sometimes when she is a teenager & is staying the night with a friend, if these old feelings will surface without me even having the chance to keep them from coming… “these feelings”…. I talk of them as if I could EVER truly describe them.

… how do you watch your only daughter, the 4 yr old going through more than most people will all of their lives, & still find joy & a sense of comedy in all of Cale’s adorable new words? Or being in complete awe over feeding your very last baby & trying so hard to hold & savor every moment of his babyness? Or put ALL of that in the back of your head for more than a moment to cherish & REALLY continue to fall in love with the man that has been my rock for so long?

When I think back… my mind is so beyond amazed by God, it’s indescribable! Brian & I got saved on Sept. 29, 2007… our son was less than 3 weeks old. God knew ALL of the events to come in our lives. He knew I would turn my back on Him, so He (along with B’s help of course. haha.)impregnated me with Finley (who saved my soul, my marriage, & my life!), He knew the events & trials to come with Keely, so He brought Finley into the world much earlier than expected (though we didn’t understand why at the time… it only took a couple of days for God to reveal why). He knew that Finley was perfectly developed in my womb & that it was better for him to be out than to be in while Brian & I were at UNC. God knew that He had Finely covered. Finley was born on March 24, 2009, Keely was diagnosed March 29, 2009. As I have described before, once she was diagnosed, there was no passing go, no collecting $200… the next thing we knew, we were at UNC with a 3 yr old being treated for A.L.L (Acute Lyphomblastic Leukemia). What if I would’ve been at the end of the pregnancy? What if I would have had to leave my daughter to birth our son all by myself? God was fighting my battle!! He is the beginning & the end… He knew everything that was about to unfold!… & He was taking care of it… not ME!… HIM.

It feels good to know that Keely will allow God to use her to change lives someday, that my boys will see me, (their MOM… as a warrior, a woman of strength), & that my marriage will have endured the ultimate trial! How many people REALLY know that their marriage could not only survive, but become stronger from such extreme circumstances?!

In the end, I know that I will see this as a blessing… that it was all worth it. That our family unit is stronger, that the respect can’t be stepped on, that our children will understand that through Christ, strength is within them!… that “happy endings” with marriages & families is attainable. My prayer is that this brings all of us closer than the average family, that our children understand that satan was so threatened by our strength that he put this disease on our child & how powerful God is if you just stay in stride with Him.

Brian & I have decided that once our daughter is cured  (or at least done with treatment) we are devoting our spare time to guiding newly diagnosised parents & familes through the process… the struggles, the unforgettable good times, the bonds built, & the strength that a family endures through this battle.

Here are a few pictures of us having  to make the most of this “season”.

Gangsta Chemo Keely

Who ever knew bath paints could be so much fun?!    

   

Here we are pushing Cale in Keely’s babydoll stroller down the hallway at about 40 m/h. goodtimes.

princess gear AND the baby stroller… he’ll hate us one day for it… too bad he won’t remember how much fun he had in it! 

   

Fear Not… God Is.

God IS to me who His Word says He’ll be.

Psalm 27:1-3

“The LORD is my light and my salvation—
       whom shall I fear?
       The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
       of whom shall I be afraid?

  When evil men advance against me
       to devour my flesh,  
       when my enemies and my foes attack me,
       they will stumble and fall.

 Though an army besiege me,
       my heart will not fear;
       though war break out against me,
       even then will I be confident”

… when life is at it’s worst, God is at His best!!  – (Jehovah Gibbor-(hebrew) the Lord is strong in battle)

Even though armies come against me, my heart will not fear, even when a war breaks out against me, even then, I will still be confident. Because His Word says that He is fighting for me & I need not fear… & He is to me what His Word says He is!

I just needed to share & confess that tonight. I learned it from Pastor Kevin J. & it again, reminded me of how powerful God is. It reminded me that He is not a timid God… He does & WILL fight my battles… He is the stronghold in my life & there is nothing for me to be afraid of.

Welcome To Our Life….

To give the blog world a small (VERY small) glipse into our day to day lives, I have posted some pictures from our home. You see… you know that someone has cancer, & no doubt you know that it’s terrible, but can you really comprehend what their lives are like from day to day? This is in no way a search for sympathy, this is just a tool of education for people who aren’t directly involved (such as a parent or caregiver) with leukemia/cancer patients.

 THIS IS THE ENORMOUS DRY-ERASE BOARD THAT IS MOUNTED IN OUR KITCHEN TO KEEP TRACK OF IMPORTANT INFO FOR KEELY’S TREATMENT

THESE ARE THE LIST OF MEDICATIONS WE HAVE TO GIVE HER DAILY. THURSDAY IS ONE OF THE LIGHTER DAYS, SO SOME OF THE MEDS (LIKE ALL OF THE ONES SHE TAKES ON MON-WED) AREN’T LISTED HERE.

ALTHOUGHT YOU CAN’T SEE IT VERY WELL, THIS IS KEELY’S CALENDAR (OR “ROADMAP”) THAT WE GET EACH MONTH THAT TELLS US WHAT PROCEDURES SHE GETS IN CLINIC, WHAT CHEMO’S SHE IS TO BE RECEIVING & HOW OFTEN, WHEN SHE WILL MOST LIKEY HAVE TO RECEIVE BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS, ETC. ALL OF THE CHEMO DRUGS AREN’T GIVEN IN THEIR FULL NAME, SO THAT’S WHY YOU SEE CAPTIALIZED LETTERS SUCH AS “AC”, 6MP”, ETC.

THESE ARE SOME OF KEELYS DAILY MEDS. SOME ARE ACTUAL CHEMO & CAN BE TOXIC IF NOT HANDLE PROPERLY.

NO ONE SHOULD HAVE ONE OF THESE SITTING IN THEIR KITCHEN. IT’S JUST PLAIN UNNATURAL!

THIS IS THE “IV KIT”. THESE ARE THE SALINE, ARA-C (CHEMO), & HEPARIN SYRINGES THAT WE HAVE TO ADMINISTER THROUGH HER CENTRAL LINE WHEN SHE REQUIRES IV MEDS FOR DAYS AT A TIME. THE LITTLE GREEN THING IS THE NEEDLE WE HAVE TO USE TO ACCESSS HER PORT.

… AND LASTLY… HERE WE ARE ADMINISTERING HER CHEMO BEFORE BED.

 

AND THESE ARE ONLY THE THINGS DONE AT HOME! THIS DOESN’T INCLUDE ANY CLINIC VISITS OR HOSPITAL STAYS!!